On Shackles You Choose

There are a lot of elements involved in packing up three years of your life.

A lot of people ask me why I took Japanese in the first place. I honestly don't know. It was mainly that I had been fascinated by it for so many years. But a little of it had to do with understanding a language that no one else in my family understood: ultimately, I needed to be different.

And now that it's over, I don't know how to start clearing it out of my life. Where to begin? With the two textbooks, three workbooks, three dictionaries, one grammar dictionary and one sentence pattern reference book, piled into a box because I don't know what to do with them?

With the set of posters written up over the year, covered in kanji and vocabulary and English and Japanese and marker pen stains?

With the document files floating on three different computers, as well as two different USBs?

Or how about with the kanji cards, cut into a million different shapes and sizes and fonts, that I find tucked into everything: there's a set in my uni bag, a set in my desk drawer, another set in my other uni bag? I find them everywhere, in everything.

Ultimately, I don't know how to clean out Japanese from my life.

I'm not sure if I want to.

On What I Am, And What I'm Not

I am that girl. The one you all know, the one you can't tell stupid jokes to or say anything remotely related to, "Bitch, please." statements because they stand there and smile awkwardly and project an air of being vaguely uncomfortable. I am that girl. I am the one who is animated and dramatic until someone new joins the group and I go quiet and smile strangely and stare for too long and attempt to get back into the rhythm but my jokes fall flat and the awkwardness just grows until I have to excuse myself.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not the bad dresser I think I am, maybe I'm not the wallflower I used to be, maybe I'm better, maybe I'm worse, maybe, maybe maybemaybemaybe...

Ultimately, whatever you see in me, I can't see it in myself. And that's the saddest thing, because I think some people think I'm worth something.

On Moving Forward (re: Gillard)

Let it go.

Let it slip quietly away into the night. Let this be the last night that you balance between procrastinating for your sake and waiting for someone else's.

Don't ever apologise for not waiting around for someone who isn't worth it.

On Being Speechless

Oh, that was such a bad idea. Oh my God. I have no words. None.

On Addictions

Okay, so I now have the Wii Fit Balance Board and game, and I'm going to try out an hour or more a day, every day, and see what happens! I don't want this to turn into a weight loss blog, and it's not, but I'll probably do a post once a week to report it about how it's going? .: grins :.

On Total Recall

Stop remembering, stop recalling, stop taking words and burning them into your brain to dredge up when you're cold.

Eventually, you're not going to be able to absorb anymore. You'll have to start letting these go as you forget things.

The best part is that it's started already, and you don't even know it.


Anyway.


Enough brooding, little lady.


You have an exam to kick ass on.

On Not

I just don't think there's anything left to say, except that I can't do this anymore. Whatever you want from me, whatever you think I am, I'm not.

And I won't try, either.